i just had sex bonerless
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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