my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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