This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
