just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm going to jail i love you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
