dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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