Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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