If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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