Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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