I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
