Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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