she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
