a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
