How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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