i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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