can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
