Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize