So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
