So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
