We won't sleep together?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
