If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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