Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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