So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
