Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
