I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
