The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
