clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a search helicopter?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
