I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
