how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
