I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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