So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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