my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
