I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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