The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Randomize
