you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
