Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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