He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
