They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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