can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
