i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have already put on my inside pants.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
