Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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