i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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