How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
