woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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