Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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