If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize