Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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