I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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