Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize