rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
