you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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