boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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