he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
