just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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