Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
