I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
