I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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