Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
