Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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