just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
