I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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