He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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